PROPER WHISKEY DILUTION INSTRUCTIONS FOR CHILL PEOPLE, THOSE WHO HAVE NO CHILL SHALL NOT READ THIS
I know for a FACT that you care about other people. Remember when you gave that really cool gift to that person recently or a long time ago? I remember. That was so cool of you, and to be completely honest -- I told all my friends about it. What do you deserve in return for such generosity? You angel of a person? What is the human race’s most valuable resource?
But nothing comes without a cost. And no, I’m not talking about your well-earned cash money or or your crypto assets...I’m talking about your time. Time you’ve already lost reading this far. What’s wrong with you? Why are you reading this sentence? And this one, too?
Forget everything (and everyone) else for just a moment while I present to you some of the most important information you’ll ever know. And forget about missing the repeated word typo I purposely made RIGHT after I mentioned your cash money. You’re too busy for that. WE’RE too busy for that.
I won’t do that to you again, and now I know you’re with me. Here we go:
People. Keep. Diluting. Their. Whiskey. Way. Too. Much. And. I’m. Furious. About. It.
When you add ice to your whiskey, you’re giving your drink a slow death. As you hang at that bachelor party or stand in a corner crying at your friend’s birthday, your drink is becoming more and more diluted from that melting ice. We all know what it’s like to reach the last few sips of an iced drink, only to discover it’s been watered down and tastes like whiskey-flavored water with a hint of crushed dreams. Might as well water it down some more with your father’s tears, because he certainly wouldn’t be proud of you.
If you’re going to dilute your whiskey properly, you need to use water that is NOT FROZEN. This is my favorite way (and a universally-approved way) of bringing out the perfect flavor in your whiskey:
- Retrieve your whiskey from its resting place in your home (bottle should be stored upright and out of direct sunlight).
- Crack that baby open and pour it into a jigger (a classy pour would be 2 oz.)
- If you know what a jigger is, skip to number five.
- Pour from your jigger into your glass.
- If you have a straw -- dip a small part of it into some water, cover the top of the straw with your finger, and release that water into your whiskey by releasing your finger from the top. Remember to add just a TINY amount at first!
- If you don’t have a straw, just add a small splash of water from a shot glass (about as small as Morgan Freeman’s acting career before his mid-30’s).
- Did I just roast Morgan Freeman?
- Apologize to Morgan. Not you, me.
- Let the whiskey sit for a moment, don’t shake or stir! If you do, you’re accelerating the evaporation of the alcohol.
- While the whiskey is sitting, this is the PERFECT time to grab your Balls of Steel (or Balls of Steel XL) from the freezer and delicately drop them in with your stainless steel tongs. This will bring your drink to a perfectly-chilled temperature without any extra dilution.
- Gently roll those balls back and forth at the bottom of your drink, treat those balls with the respect your father didn’t give you.
- Multiply this process by the number of people around you. Don’t leave them out. Except James. No one cares about James. Same with Ryan.
- Enjoy your drink(s) safely and responsibly!
If you’re searching for a way to really up your whiskey game, I strongly recommend using that simple 14-step process. The bachelor party will thank you. The bachelorette party will thank you. Your father...he thanks you. He won’t tell you but I asked him already.
For those of you who don’t want to dilute your whiskey because you’re “too cool” to admit that you “know things”, go ahead! In all honesty, you should be drinking your favorite whiskey in your favorite way. Some people have different preferences depending on the brand and their preferred way of drinking. The best kind of whiskey to enjoy is one that tastes the best to you.
Whether or not you dilute your whiskey, I strongly recommend using Balls of Steel to chill your drink. The balls bring your drink to a nice cool temperature without using ice, and your drink won’t be more diluted with them. It’s a classy gift for a fellow whiskey enthusiast, and they’re an especially cool gift for someone who enjoys the finer things in life (which, again, does NOT include James or Ryan).
Balls of Steel will make any whiskey more enjoyable, whether it be Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, Crown Royal, Jameson, Maker’s Mark, Bulleit Bourbon, or Macallan.
Or Knob Creek. Or Four Roses. Or all other brands that have ever existed.
Whether it’s from Tennessee, Kentucky, Japan, Canada, Ireland, or Scotland. Or all other countries that have ever existed (all my whiskey comes from Pangaea). Your whiskey will be made better with some balls that are of the steel variety.
If you’re still reading this blog far after all the instructions I gave you, I truly have you hooked. While I have you here, here’s this hilarious video you haven’t seen.
Wishing you the best in your whiskey endeavors, and stay chilled!
Best of luck,
the BOS man
TL;DR: Don’t use ice with your whiskey, it will over-dilute it and ruin the original flavors and aromas. If you want to dilute, add a splash of water instead -- then use Balls of Steel to bring your drink to the perfect chill temperature. Be a good friend and send some balls to someone you care about.