(to be enjoyed with this if you thought that title was funny)
Here we are, March 2021. This would normally be where I’d talk about: how far we’ve come since March last year/blah blah blah/wait how’s it march again?/yes yes/okay great/but most importantly I like whiskey. These are my top four whiskey picks for your month, with a special mention of an Irish Whiskey in celebration of St. Patrick’s Day -- a whiskey St. Patrick himself would approve of...and I asked him!
1. Four Roses Bourbon (Kentucky) ~$
2. Jack Daniel’s Old No. 7 (Tennessee) ~$
3. Crown Royal Northern Harvest Rye (Canada) ~ $$
4. Redbreast Cask Strength 12 Year (Ireland) ~ $$$
If you’d like to know why these are my four choices, then you’re in for a treat...but you have to follow these directions: if you’re single and ready or not ready to mingle depending on the day you’re currently having or your own personal lifestyle choices, read the instructions labeled SINGLE. If you’re taken and in a relationship of any sort, read the instructions labeled TAKEN. Thank you and don’t read the one that doesn’t apply to you. Only a loser would do that.
1) Four Roses Bourbon (Kentucky)
Being single is the best. Taken people are idiots. This smooth bourbon
is for you, not for them. With a scent of gentle spice and honey, Four
Roses reminds you of the freedom you have in this world. No
“partnership” you need to maintain, no “you forgot my birthday and I’m
mad at you” from anyone, no one’s telling you “I’m really bothered by
how you eat the box that the pizza comes in, that’s not supposed to be
eaten it’s just a box and that’s disgusting.” Four Roses is sophisticated
but not overbearing, simple without being boring.
Single people don’t know the meaning of love. To connect with another soul. They don’t know how to take a hint, and that’s why they’re single. And by take a hint I mean a hint of fruity and floral essences in the aroma of this crisp, yet smooth, bourbon. I’ll give you a hint about it’s finish...it’s mellow and will remind you of roses -- mostly because there are roses on the bottle. Four of them. This is my favorite easy whiskey to buy on a budget, and it’s stocked at most stores. It makes you look cool at a party without having to pay a much higher price than those plastic bottles on the bottom shelf. But you don’t even need to look cool at parties since you’re taken.
2) Jack Daniel’s Old No. 7 (Tennessee)
This whiskey hails from Tennessee and is made in the oldest registered
distillery in the (barely) United States. Just like how your oldest
registered moment of happiness as an adult was the first time you
ordered a “Jack & Coke” because you thought it sounded cool ordering
a “real” drink from a bartender. Did you get another for someone else
at the bar who was looking your way? You could do that because
you’re single and because this whiskey is mellowed drop by drop
through 10 feet of sugar maple charcoal. Taken people are at the bar
sitting with their significant others just staring into the abyss that is their
boring future together. Probably sharing a drink.
You’re so wise and experienced. It’s 2021 and you’re with someone you love. Do you give that person gifts? Single people don’t get gifts. How about the gift of a whiskey that’s been matured in a handcrafted barrel? When these barrels are charred, sugar is released and then caramelized with the whiskey, giving it a natural sweeter flavor. The sweet flavor of love and devotion. The original limestone cave from when this brand started is still their water source to this day. This whiskey respects long term commitment, just like you.
3) Crown Royal Northern Harvest Rye (Canada)
Rich. Butterscotch. Besides those two words forming the name of a
person who you definitely want to be friends with, they also describe
the palate of this rye whiskey out of Canada. Rich Butterscotch
always buys drinks for everyone at the bar and loves being single.
Rich Butterscotch uses these. If you invite Rich to a bachelor party,
he’d bring cases of this whiskey and brag about its smooth and
creamy finish -- he wants his fellow groomsmen to enjoy the finer
things in life before they’re in a relationship and have to sacrifice with
every decision they make. Rich knows that you can achieve a luxurious
experience with a slightly higher priced whiskey, and what a refined
memory it will be.
Rich. Butterscotch. Besides those two words forming the name of a person who will definitely hustle you with a scam business proposal, they also describe the palate of this rye whiskey out of Canada. Rich Butterscotch always buys drinks for everyone at the bar but it’s only because he’s single and he finds no meaning in his lonely life. Rich Butterscotch would like to use these but he’s not classy enough. If you invite Rich to a wedding, he’d get kicked out for heckling the bridesmaids at the ceremony before he gets to experience the baking spices/light wood aroma of Crown Royal. Even though Mr. Butterscotch’s name represents an aspect of this whiskey, you’re smart enough to disassociate him from this conversation. You know what’s “Rich?” Your life, because you share it with someone else.
4) Redbreast Cask Strength 12 Year (Ireland)
You’re single, which means you only thought of one thing when
you read “Red Breast.” And that’s the fact that this triple-distilled
whiskey is matured in a combination of both bourbon and
sherry casks. When you’re single, you can mature in multiple
casks instead of picking just one. St. Patrick loves this Irish
Whiskey because it has a spicy and fruity aroma. He loves that
the complex flavors linger on the palate afterwards, just like how
his fame has lingered for many centuries.
You didn’t know how to save money when you were single, and now you can afford this finer whiskey with your new joint credit card. At first, the thought of a joint credit card made you nervous...but now you appreciate its convenience. You get to sit back in the antique chair in your study and enjoy the notes of toasted wood from the top of your glass before you sip this 12-year-old whiskey. Know what else is 12 years old? Your child. Or your dog? Or niece or nephew. Whatever the animal (yes, any of those animals), you see the parallel between life on earth as a human and life on earth as an Irish Whiskey born from a copper pot still. Life is complex and so are the flavors.